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How to Create and Nurture a Boutique Audience

By Brett Campbell
June 11, 2013
Music
Gamescore Blog/Wikimedia Commons

Gamescore Blog/Wikimedia Commons

by MARIA CHOBAN

Assuring a tiny, elite attendance for your music event requires careful and thoughtful planning. I’ve researched this exhaustively for 30-plus years and my findings come down to this: Completely Disregard the Audience. Forget modernist American composer Milton Babbitt’s infamous 1958 article, “Who Cares If You Listen”; you are attempting to surpass Babbitt’s disdain for the general listening public by eliminating it altogether! Here are eight steps to help you reach your goal of eventually having zero people in your audience.

Disclaimer: I take no responsibility if after following all these rules you STILL get more than 15 people in your audience.

Charge exorbitant ticket prices.

Even better, suggest an exorbitant donation. Psychologically it works just as effectively and it makes you look benign. Humans are loath to embarrass themselves by paying less than the exorbitant suggested donation listed. Therefore, you’ve weeded out approximately 90 percent of those who might have ventured into your event.

Program Beige

Make sure the pieces are all pretty much the same: bland. Same speed more or less, same mood, same (medium) loudness or softness. In insider circles, we call this mezzo-nothing. For GOD’S sake, AVOID DRAMA AT ALL COST! That might create excitement. Try to stay away from narrative too. After all, people are actually hard-wired to like stories, and you don’t want to give them a reason to wonder or even anticipate what’s going to happen next; they might stick around.

More is More

Under no circumstances should your show last fewer than two hours. Include an interminably long intermission. You have asked from your audience an exorbitant donation and they must get what they paid for.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

The venue should be stark, reverential, and at least three times as large as the size of the actual audience, the better to create an atmosphere of isolation that discourages subsequent attendance, not to mention enthusiastic performances.

Bonus tip: Try to avoid comfortable chairs. I’d recommend a funeral parlor but they tend to have only electric pianos. It goes without saying that beer and/or coffee should not be available for ingesting during the performance; just say “no” to stimulants that help your audience stay awake and focused on the program, or  to beverages that help loosen up the austere ambience.

Engage bland performers

See point number 2. Extra points if they’re under-rehearsed.

Avert the Media

Promotional materials, from posters, to programs to publicity for the press/media should be . . . . . well, see point number 2.

Avoid Creativity

Leave that to the entertainment industry where large audiences are relished, required even, necessitating new and vibrant approaches to presenting. Endlessly recycling the same old methods of presentation will do wonders to keep audience numbers lower and dwindling.

It’s All About You

And always remember, this is YOUR show. YOU want to be liked and admired by the jury of your peers and never mind what the audience wants. Go ahead and whine a little or a lot to your friends, colleagues, press about how hard it is to get people to attend your shows. You never know, it might gain you a little pity in addition to fewer people in your audience.

Portland pianist Maria Choban performs, presents shows and writes from the perspective of what will engage the audience, from her forays with the late iconoclastic St. Elvis piano trio to MC Hammered Klavier shows to her irreverent classical music blog, Alitisa – the gangster of classical music.

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